5 Tips for Embracing Difficult Conversations
Resident Chuck with his children and grandchild, Monica, celebrating the holidays together at Bruceville Point. Monica takes delight in working as our Events and Adventures Assistant and spending time with her grandfather.
Are you dreaming of being home for the holidays? Or does the holly that you’ll see on your own front door give you pause?
Children and family members of older adults may feel confronted by the changes they encounter during holiday visits. It’s important to remember that change is part of life. How one responds to change is what is most significant.
Here are five tips to help make your visit home merry.
Start conversations early.
It’s never too soon to talk about what a person wants from the years ahead. You wouldn’t wait until a child had graduated high school to talk about their plans. Neither should you wait until you are concerned to bring up an older adult’s plans and wishes. Approach the conversation with curiosity. Ask, “What do you want the next ten, twenty, or thirty years to look like?”
Don’t parent your parent.
You’ll always be their child. Or perhaps you’re a loving niece or nephew. Remember that you cannot parent your parent (or aunt or uncle). If your relationship feels strained, discuss ways that you can reestablish your bond as parent and child. Perhaps some outside support will allow you to return to your roles.
Be honest.
Of course, you want to do anything and everything for your parent, but we never get more than 24 hours in a day. Explicitly volunteering what you can help with and what is beyond your capacity doesn’t suggest a lack of love and isn’t a reason to feel guilty. Instead, be honest and promise only what you can deliver. Working from a realistic start enables you and your loved one to make the best decisions.
Be curious.
Focus on questions, not statements. For example, instead of saying, “I’m afraid of you living here all alone,” ask, “Do you ever feel lonely living here?” Seek to understand the goals and wishes of your parent or loved one. Listening is an under-valued skill.
Keep it small.
While you may think big changes are in the near future, keep your conversations short and specific. Everyone needs stability, and even thinking about change can be very destabilizing, causing your parent or loved one to become defensive. Instead of a “big talk,” aim to have a few little conversations. For example, if your parents’ nutrition concerns you, ask specifically about that. “How do you feel about grocery shopping and cooking these days?” Leave other concerns, such as driving or safety, to another conversation.
There is great beauty in family members caring about and for each other. While beginning these conversations may seem challenging, people often leave them with a sense of relief. Your family is very fortunate that you care enough to embrace even difficult conversations!
For more information and some helpful checklists, see our Guide: Family Decision Toolkit.
